i understand that feeling perfectly. Im also quitting my studies for almost the same reason; family keeps pressuring even non familiars; saying i have to study and go to university or else ill be a moron. I really cant stand studying or paying attention to some stuff that i wont ever look back at again nor will use it on the future, but i dont have any realistic dream or any ambition, so ... I dont really know what to do. Well, i dont want to share anger and pain here, since its a nice place to forget about it, so i better stop here before i start losing my mind.Metaler wrote:^ I had mine removed when I was younger x___x
So, today I just couldn't stand it anymore... I ended up exploding at my mom, with the force of an atomic bomb.
We ended up gettin into a big fight... I have never felt such rage in my entire life. Like, ever. I screamed, I yelled, I slammed my hands on the table... It was awful...
But it was even worse when I found out that everything I thought about me being forced to do what my family wants to, being forced to do things just so I could please others... Thankfully, I was wrong about that. My mom wants me to be someone, yes, but will never enforce that on me. She explicitly stated that she wants me to do what I want with my life, and will be proud of me regardless.
But what hurts me the most is the fact that even though I always thought I was pleasing people, it turns out that I never pleased anyone. I mean, what do I do? I barely study, I stay on my computer most of the time, and I sleep till whatever time I see fit. There's no way I'm pleasing anyone like that. And even worse, the fact that I have these thoughts and had this explosion of anger really made me realize how ungrateful I am. It really made me pissed at myself, seriously. It made me realize how awful I was being to those around me... I vowed to myself that I won't ever do something like this ever again. I won't fall for this illusion that I must "please everyone". I'll do my own thing from now on. I'll stop with this illusion of mine and focus on what I want to do. No more standing here doin nothing.
So, for started, in the end I came straight up, clear cut, that I wanted to quit college. Yes, I know, not having superior education is tough. I won't be getting a lot of money, and I will go through a whole bunch of though shit. But I don't care. I hate going to college. I really do. You may say I'm weak, but compared to the rest of the people in my class, I really don't share their interest in the subject. When I look at my classmates, I really notice their interest. I notice their desire to go out there and say "I'M GONNA READ THE EVER LIVING SHIT OUT OF THIS BOOK". But I don't have that. I don't have that kind of vigor. Not that I don't like the subject but... Having to worry about things like grades, and projects, and essays and stuff... It really makes me sad. It makes me think "do I really have to go through this? I just wanna live in peace."
Of course, there are plenty of other things to worry about, but studying for me is a pain. Back when I started this year, I thought college was gonna be different from high-school. That I'd enjoy the subject, and make friends with people like me... But in the end, it's no different. I still feel extremely anxious, and I'm still awkward around my classmates... Just like my high school days, which I hated with a passion.
So, I don't care what people say. I'll get myself a job, get my own money, and be happy with what I have. That's what I want to. Maybe I'm being too naive, but hey, I'll never know unless I try. I won't care, so long as I have the things I like (read: anime, manga, metal, etc. I know, it sounds silly, but yeah.)
Naturally, my mom was disappointed in me. But I realize that if I think about that too much, I'll end up staying the same as I am right now.
Yes, I'm scared. I'm really scared. I don't know what'll happen next. But I won't know till I try.
That's all... I looked at the thread's title, I thought that this was fitting.
So yeah, Meta here will be a new person. It won't be easy, but that's what I wanna do.... Maybe I'll finish college someday. Who knows? The future is uncertain.
And besides, I'm fluent in English. That'll raise my chances of getting a good job, I guess.
But in any case, that's it... I just wanted to write this down somewhere. I'm scared. I'm really scared, but I think everything will turn out ok at the end...
Though I don't really want to stop... But I hate studying. What do I do...?? D:
You have my complete support *friendly hug* hope everything goes for better